Bittersweet Times
by Wishing I Lived In the '80s
Summary: They were going to have another baby. That meant it was time to be happy and excited, right? Not for them.


The cigarette fell out of Akio's mouth, his eyes widened, and he stared at his wife as she smiled. He glanced between his daughter and his son-in-law, the wheels in his head turning. "What… do you mean…?" he asked slowly, his eyes glued to his wife.

"They're going to have another baby," Sanae said happily, clapping her hands together.

_Another baby, _Akio thought, _another baby? We already have Ushio though! How could… why would…? _"But why?" he spoke without thinking, looking down at his granddaughter, who was playing on the floor with the turtle toy Okazaki had bought her. "There's already Ushio… Why do you need another?"

"Dad, we can have more than one child," Nagisa said with a giggle, a blush on her face. Her fingers were tangled into the bottom of her skirt – just like the first time she had been pregnant, before she had given birth to Ushio – and she shifted from each leg nervously.

"How far along are you?" Akio asked after a moment of silence. He was completely stunned; things like this didn't happen every day in his family when he was growing up.

Nagisa's hands unconsciously went to her abdomen, lightly running across the growing bump – which Akio had not noticed until then. "Oh, I'm not sure yet," she said. "But, judging by how big I was with Ushio, I'd say… three months, maybe? Give or take a little."

"Oh, I can't wait to be a grandma to _two _beautiful grandbabies!" Sanae squealed, hurrying over to her husband's side, placing a hand on his shoulder. "We'll have to put in twice the effort to spoil them."

Akio was still quiet; his eyes were still wide, and his cigarette had now burnt out on the flooring. He coughed suddenly, pressing the heels of his hands onto his eyelids. This was just a little bit too much for him right now; he wasn't ready to be a grandfather _again._

"Well," he said, his voice hoarse, "I'm happy for you. Congratulations – I'm really happy for you."

Nagisa stared at him, her brows creased in concern. "Dad, are you okay? You look a little pale."

"I'm absolutely fine," Akio said, waving a hand through the air. "It's just… I wasn't quite expecting that right now – or ever…"

Okazaki shoved his hands into his pockets and leaned an elbow against the counter. He tilted his head to side as he studied his father-in-law, thinking back to all the memories they'd made already; playing baseball that one day in the park, all those times Akio judged Sanae's bread and made her upset. He knew that Akio was a good guy; a great guy, actually. He was an amazing grandfather to Ushio, and a pretty amazing father-in-law to himself; he could only imagine how Akio had been while raising Nagisa.

"You're already a grandfather, though," he said. "What's the big deal? Ushio loves you. I'm sure this one will love you just as much."

Akio's eye twitched. "What's the big deal?" he repeated. "Having one granddaughter is one thing; but to have another grandchild just makes me feel so much older than I really am!"

"You look the same age as me!" Okazaki argued. "Unless they know you, people won't be able to tell whether you're 21 or whether you're 45. And with the way you act, they're going to think you're 21."

Akio had a prideful grin on his face before he answered. "I do look pretty young," he said. "But that's not the point. The point _is _I'm only 45-years-old, and I'm going to be a grandfather of two. Do you know how many 45-year-olds can say that? Not very many!"

"That's a lie," Okazaki said, "I'm sure there are plenty of 45-year-olds who can say they're a grandfather of two. Heck, some men who are only in their thirties can say they're a grandfather."

"But I don't want to be one of those men," Akio whined, a childish pout forming on his lips for a brief moment. He quickly straightened himself up and plastered a stern look onto his face. "I guess the deed is done," he said, shooting Okazaki a look which seemed to say: _Thanks for screwing my daughter again, you brat._

Sanae patted her husband on the back, mouthing a _'Well done' _to him before she looked back over at her daughter. "Once again, congratulations," she said sweetly. "You two are wonderful parents. We're so proud of you!"

"Thank you, Mom," Nagisa said, nodding her head. "Ushio is so excited to have a sibling. I think she gets lonely sometimes having to play by herself."

"Okazaki, what are you hoping the baby is; a boy or a girl?"

Okazaki froze for a moment as he thought about the question. "A son," he said, "I'd like a son this time, honestly." A son he could play ball with, and teach him how to treat a girl, and so on. To be able to be a father like Akio. Of course, he'd have to take lessons from the older man, but… It would be wonderful.

* * *

Unfortunately, tragedy struck the family. What happened during Ushio's birth happened during the second baby's birth; Nagisa was sick, and the birth was just too much for her fragile body. And this time, she didn't recover. She survived long enough to see the baby and whisper a name – _Akio Tomoya _– and then she passed.

The entire family was crushed. Ushio didn't quite understand that her mother was no longer going to come home and sweep her up into her arms. She didn't understand that her mother wasn't going to be there to wake her up in the mornings with a kiss on the forehead and a short tickle session. She didn't understand her father's grief.

"Daddy, what's wrong?" she finally asked one day when she found Okazaki slumped forward at the table, his head in his hands and his cheeks stained with tears.

He didn't answer her. He brushed her off. He yelled at her to go to her room, to go check on Akio, Jr. It didn't make sense to Ushio; why would her dad be angry with her all of a sudden?

Akio and Sanae came to visit one day a few months after Nagisa's death. They had both changed; Sanae seemed even more fragile, and looked as though she had aged years in only a few months. Akio looked fairly rough himself; he was still fairly buff, but his eyes had lines under them and he looked as though he hadn't slept in weeks. It was a painful sight to see these two grown people, who had once been so youthful and happy and loving, were now wasting away.

"Akio-san, Sanae-san," Okazaki greeted them when he found them standing outside his house that day after he was coming home from work. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Indeed, it has," Sanae agreed, nodding her head slightly. Her voice was much softer now, and her eyes seemed to be duller. "How are you and the children?"

"We're doing… all right," Okazaki said slowly.

"We came to see Akio," Sanae said. "We haven't seen him since he was a few weeks old."

"He's inside with Ushio," Okazaki mumbled, motioning with his hand to step inside once he finished unlocking the door. "I've been taking of them the best I can, but it's sort of difficult when I have to balance a job as well."

"I completely understand that," Akio said, his voice deeper than usual. "We had that same issue with…" He trailed off, his throat closing up as he started to say his daughter's name. He cleared his throat harshly, a small, nostalgic, saddening smile twitching his lips.

"I know," Okazaki said, letting him know that he didn't need to continue – he understood.

"So, where are Ushio and Akio?" Sanae asked, awkwardly trying to change the mood in the room.

No sooner had she said the little girl's name, did Ushio come running down the hallway, her arms spread out wide. She made a "vroom" sound, grinning from ear-to-ear when she reached her grandparents. "Looky," she said, "I'm an airplane!"

Akio grinned, squatting down in front of her – he towered over Okazaki, who stood a good 6' tall (so a short 4-year-old was definitely no match to his height) – and poked her on the tip of the nose. "That's right, kiddo," he said. "You're an airplane."

"Do you know what kind of airplane?" Ushio asked.

"What kind?"

"One of the BIG kinds!" She let out a squeal, raising her arms up for Akio to pick her up. When the man did, she wrapped her small legs around him as best she could, nuzzling into the crook of his neck. Akio placed his large hand on the back of her head, cradling her in his arms.

Sanae waved at her granddaughter when their eyes met. "Hello, Ushio," she said with a smile.

"Hi, Mamaw," Ushio said, waving back at her. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands, yawning quietly.

Akio chuckled. "Are you tired, honey?" he asked.

"Tomoya was sleeping," Ushio said, "and I was watching him. It made me sleepy to watch him."

"It'd make me sleepy to watch someone sleep, too," Akio said, raising his eyebrows at her.

"Tomoya's in the nursery," Okazaki said, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder in the right direction. "Is he sleeping, Ushio?"

"Yeah."

Sanae smiled softly. "Then I guess this means we can sit around for a while until he wakes up," she suggested uncertainly.

When Okazaki nodded, Akio said to Ushio, "Let's go put your bed, pretty girl. Pretty girls need their beauty sleep, huh?" Ushio nodded silently, obviously trying to keep her eyes open as Akio walked down the hall to the nursery.

Sanae looked up at Okazaki. "Are you sure everything's all right, Okazaki?" she asked softly. "You don't seem like yourself."

"Well, things have been a little rough since Nagisa passed," Okazaki explained. "I haven't been able to find a baby sitter, so I just… leave Ushio here with Junior. She's a smart kid, so I think they're okay here by themselves."

"We could watch her for you," Sanae offered. "It's not good for children to be left alone at home – especially not young children. You know about Nagisa and the snowstorm." Her brows knitted together at the mention of that day, when her young daughter nearly died had it not been for Akio.

Okazaki frowned. "I know," he said, and then he was silent for a moment. "Sometimes," he said softly, "when I'm watching Ushio and Junior play together, I think about that story – of Nagisa and the snowstorm – and think to myself: Hey, I want to be a dad like Akio. I want to be the kind of dad who would do anything for my child, just to ensure their safety. I want to be the kind of dad who doesn't care what happens to me as long as my child is okay in the end. And I realize that I haven't been that dad lately. I haven't been much of a dad at all. Living without Nagisa is just… it's so damn hard. Being a single father and all; it's not something I signed up for when I married her. It's not something I ever thought was possible. I thought that since she was able to survive Ushio's birth, I thought she might be able to make it through Akio's birth. But… well, you know… she didn't, and that crushed me. It hurt me more than you can ever imagine that my wife died and I wasn't able to do anything about it. It's almost like sometimes I wish… I wish I'd never got her pregnant. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have Ushio or Tomoya. I wish that it was just me and Nagisa still, together and happy, with nothing to worry about. But it can never be that way again…"

Sanae let out a small, almost inaudible sob, bringing her hand up to her mouth when he finished. She shook her head, the tears gathered at the edge of her eyes as she patted his shoulder. "We all miss her," she said, her voice shaky, "but it's something we're going to have to live with. Akio and I still have trouble accepting the fact that our daughter is gone. Like you, it wasn't something we thought would ever happen; we figured that we'd be the first ones to go, not our daughter."

A sudden arm wrapping around her waist brought her out of her babbling. It was Akio, who buried his face in her hair as he held her close. His eyes were glaring at the floor as he fought the urge to cry; he hated talking about Nagisa nowadays. It brought up too many painful memories – memories that were slowly fading away. He still loved his daughter, but to remember her… he didn't enjoy it.

"Things will get better," he assured them – seeming to talk to all three of them rather than just Sanae or Okazaki. "We just… We just have to remember everything about Nagisa so Ushio and Tomoya will be able to know what their mother was like."

Okazaki nodded, the lump in his throat making it impossible for him to swallow. "Um, would anybody like some tea?" he asked, desperate to get off the subject of his wife.

"That would be lovely," Sanae said, wiping her eyes with her hands.

The three were gathered around the small table in the middle of the living room, silently sipping at their tea. The previous conversation about Nagisa had been emotionally exhausting, and though neither wanted to talk any longer about her, their minds were still traveling through the endless supply of memories they had of her.

Okazaki set his cup on the table. "I don't mean to burden you guys," he said, "but I'm not going to beat around the bush. I was wondering if you two would mind taking Ushio and Tomoya in for a while, just until I can find a well-paying job. I can't keep leaving them here by themselves; I could get arrested for it, and it's bad for the both of them. If you could take them in just for a little while, I'd really appreciate it."

There was a tense silence until Sanae was the first to finally speak. "We can do that," she said. "We understand that you're struggling. Give us a few weeks to get the house ready and we can come get them."

Okazaki nodded. "Thank you," he said quietly, averting his eyes to the table. He knew he shouldn't push _his own _children onto his in-laws, but he just didn't have the time or the money for two children right now. If Nagisa was still alive, it wouldn't have been a problem; but she was gone, and he just couldn't do it anymore.

Akio sat staring at his cup, the wheels in his head turning once again. "You're not giving up, are you?" he asked, just to be sure. "Don't give up on those kids. Not yet, at least. They need their father. Only a father can give them certain things; a certain kind of love, certain wisdom, certain lessons. There are certain things that children can only get from a father; not even a grandfather can give them these things. You can't give up on them."

"I'm not giving up on them," Okazaki stated firmly. "I'm simply asking for help."

Akio nodded; he had nothing more to say on the matter.

His appetite for the tea was completely gone now and he sighed. His shoulders slumped as he thought for a while, listening to the soft sounds of his wife sipping her tea, and the random grunts and sighs Okazaki made as he also thought; whether they were thinking the same thing, they didn't know.

_Nagisa, _Akio silently prayed, _we miss you. We need you. Why'd you have to leave us? _

* * *

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Clannad _nor do I own the characters. **

_Originally posted on my ao3 account. _


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